The Weed Poll Station
There once was a bud named B.C... that grew on a 7 ft. tall tree. One day I plucked him, rolled him and smoked him, and now I can barely see!
Think you can do one better? Then go to our Weed Forum and let us know! We'll use the best ones here!
You Know You Are A True Stoner When.......
-you put items from the fridge back in the microwave..
-you clean your bongs more than you do your dishes...
-every vacation you wind up in Amsterdam or Jamaica
-someone asks for a dime and you tell them you're out of herb
-your alarm is set for 4:20 am and pm
-you get into the wrong car at the mall
-you're known as 'Smokey' to your friends
-your bong becomes an extension of your arm
-you pay at the drive-thru for your food but leave without getting it
-your video collection consists of nothing but Cheech and Chong movies
-all you want to do is eat and smoke, drink and smoke..... chill and smoke
-you eat everything in the kitchen but Spam - then you eat the Spam
-you were all excited and started rambling to a friend then for no apparent reason you stopped.... and totally forgot what you were talking about!
-you want to have kids named Herb, Bud and Mary Jane
-someone finds a roach in your room and it's not a bad thing
-you hang out with people you don't like just because they got buds
-if your life was a movie, it would be called "Waiting to Exhale"
-you hold an unlit cigarette for more than 2 minutes
-you think someone is staring at you when no-one is around
-your best friend just happen to be a dealer
-your bumper sticker reads "Honk for Hemp"
What's the difference between a drunk and a herb smoker? The drunk will drive through a stop sign while the herb smoker will wait for it to turn green.
Confucious says....Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Why did it take the pothead 4 hours to make a cake?
Because it took him....
- an hour to find the ingredients,
- an hour before realizing they were the ingredients to another recipe,
- an hour to realize it would bake better if it was actually in the oven,
- and an hour to remember what the hell it was he was trying to make in the first place!
The Koala and the Lizard
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said:
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint mate, come on up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going on down to the river to get a drink.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile looked up and said:
So the koala looked down at him and said:
(hahahaha....Many thanks to a viewer 'Serena' who sent this in to us!)
A Pothead Moment.....
Weed Humour
The Weedman Cometh
From the Mouths of Comedians.......
I really don't see the downside to marijuana... doctors say like, 'if you smoke marijuana it's known to cause you to forget things'... maybe some of us got some shit we need to forget....
- Greer Barnes
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits. - Arj Barker
How many potheads does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who cares? You're all stoned.
- Susan Messing
I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin' what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, 'I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.' - David Alan Grier
You always have big plans before you get high, don't you? You're gonna do a bunch of stuff before you get high. You're like, 'First of all, we're gonna do all our homework. Then, we're going to paint the house. Then, we're going to play some basketball.' Fifteen minutes after you finish that last joint, you're like, 'Yo brother, you got some more Cheetos?' - David Alan Grier
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win. - Marc Maron
Quitting pot? It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian -- you know, quitting meat -- because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat. - Brian Posehn
If I ever have a car alarm, if I ever have a car, it's just gonna be a big speaker on the back of my car, and whenever anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go, 'Attention: free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!' Because then, people are gonna come running -- maybe not the kind of people who can help a whole lot, but people, nonetheless.
- Christian Finnegan
If you like 'The Price Is Right,' you're either 90 or a pothead. - Megan Mooney
You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.
- Dov Davidoff
I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.' - Dov Davidoff
You know how you spell words around kids you don't want them to know? My Uncle Snooky always spelled the wrong damn words -- 'What do you say we go out to the c-a-r and smoke some dope?' - Geoff Brown
Isn't it amazing how cigarette smoking is becoming illegal, but marijuana's becoming decriminalized? Do you know that in a few years I'm going to have to pretend I'm getting high in order to enjoy a Camel Light? I'm going to have to take the filter off, twist the ends up -- 'For the next hour and a half, act like my I.Q.'s dropped 80 points.' - Dave Mordal
I quit smoking pot. I quit because I saw this commercial on TV -- you may have seen the same one -- it's the one where this kid gets all his buddies together, they're gonna go in the basement, and they're gonna smoke some weed. So, he goes to get his marijuana out of his marijuana container, but there's no pot inside, there's just a note on a rolling paper. It says, 'We need to talk. Mom.' That's crazy, 'cause a very similar thing happened to me, but my note just said, 'I owe you a dime bag. Mom.' - Jeremy Schachter
You know what's pretty cool? When you put on a jacket that you haven't worn in a long time, and you find a $20 bill in the pocket that you didn't know was gonna be there; then, you buy yourself some weed to celebrate. That happened to me tonight when I borrowed my friend's jacket. - Tom Sharpe
Anybody see 'Cop Land'? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and went home. - Arj Barker
Have you ever broke 'Scooby Doo' down? I mean, come on -- he rode around in a van with the flowers on the side, on a Saturday morning, looking for a haunted house. Tell me they wasn't high. - Tommy Davidson
My most recent trip was to Jamaica. That was cool. I had a good time. I got stopped at customs, though. The lady was like, 'Are you bringing any drugs into Jamaica?' I was like, 'Drugs into Jamaica? That's like bringing Slim-Fast to Ethiopia.' - D.C. Benny
Sometimes people answer a question with a question. That's annoying. I called my friend and said, 'Hey, Keith, you wanna go to the movies?' And he said, 'Got any pot?' - Pat Dixon
You can stump any stoner with one question: what were we just talking about? - Jim Breuer
I got hit with a ruler first day of kindergarten -- for smoking pot. Because if you bring it, you need to bring enough for everybody. - Tony Camin
Somebody told me the best way to meet women is to do something you enjoy -- right away, you have something in common. So, I've spent the past year smoking dope and watching television - Lank & Earl
They should legalize marijuana. They should legalize it, because if they do, of course, like cigarettes and everything else, it would have to be federally regulated, which means it would have to be inspected -- which means everybody would want to go down and get a job at the plant. - Cory Miller
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